How Twilight could've ended if Bella had common sense and personality
by blackmailingqueen
Summary: The title is self-explanatory. Parody! Major parody!
1. Chapter 1

This is a parody! A parody that I wrote in like three minutes so don't expect a high quality of work.

As stated before, this is a parody, and as such should probably tell you that I don't own this!

It stems off of the idea that Bella has some sort of beginning personality in the start of the books and acts on a very weird dream.

* * *

Bella Swan woke up the morning three weeks before she was to move to Forks, Washington to live with her father. For some reason, the dream she'd had just before waking remained crystal clear in her mind.

She moved to Forks, fell in love with a ridiculous looking vampire named Edward, almost died at the hands of other ridiculous looking vampires multiple times, married Edward, somehow ended up carrying his child, and then almost died birthing said child before being turned into a vampire.

There was no way Bella could know that the dream she'd had was actually visions of the future.

Bella shook her head and went downstairs to talk to her mom. They discussed the possibility of Bella going with her mom and stepfather on tour but eventually, her mom told her no.

But Bella, still having misgivings about Forks, came up with a plan. Her mom had let her buy the ticket to Washington, so it wasn't that hard to change the destination. Then she called her dad and told him that she would be going on tour with her mom after all. Charlie was devastated but happy for her, which made Bella feel a twang of guilt.

* * *

Finally, the day arrived, Bella would be going to New York, where her aunt lived, and finish out her schooling there. But as far as her mother knew, Bella would be going to Forks.

Since Bella had changed the destination, the Cullens would never get in trouble with the Volturi, the Quileute tribe never had a reason to feel threatened by the vampires so Jacob never became a wolf. As such he would later leave Forks and fall in love with a nice girl who wouldn't leave him for sparkly vampires.

* * *

And because Edward never feels the need to leave Bella to protect her, they stay in Forks until they graduate and then move away to avoid attention.

Bella herself grows more of a personality in New York, after meeting a vampire named Laurent, who tells her all about vampires before turning her into one. She travels with him, Victoria, and James for a while before finally meeting the Cullens. Edward falls in love with her, but after seeing what real vampires can do, Bella rebuffs his affections and throws him into a nearby lake.

* * *

The End.


	2. Chapter 2

This was also thrown together in like 5 minutes, so again. Don't expect great literary masterpieces.

* * *

After throwing Edward into the lake, Alice and Bella talked in the few minutes it would take Edward to get back to them. It turned out that Bella found Alice's ability interesting and strange, whereas Alice found the way Bella had absolutely no fashion sense appalling. Needless to say, they got along great.

* * *

They parted ways with nothing but Edward's pride wounded. James's coven travel around the world for many years, she see's all of the normal sights that people only dream of. Then Bella meets a young vampire named Benjamin in Egypt. They hit it off and he joins them traveling around the world.

* * *

The next time they see the Cullens is in Rio. Edward once again tries to flirt with Bella, not knowing that she's with Benjamin, and is promptly sucked into a small hurricane and tossed into the middle of the ocean. Bella and Benjamin talk with Alice and Jasper as the other Cullens and the rest of James's coven revisit old haunts. When Edward finally gets back, it's just in time for a thunderstorm.

* * *

The two covens decide to play a game of baseball...in the jungle. Without going into too much detail, trees are felled, lightning strikes, people are hit in the head with baseballs. Surprisingly all three of those things happened to Edward. After the first game is done, they decide to make it a little more interesting. Girls on one team, guys on another.

* * *

Do I really need to say who won?

* * *

The End.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Bella is approaching her fiftieth birthday, James' coven and the Cullen coven have met many times and are close friends even if they disagree on dietary habits. Victoria and Bella even got another girl to talk with, Bree, who became the youngest vampire in the coven, much to Bella's pleasure.

It was during one of these, now typical, run-ins with the Cullen's, and after she'd thrown Edward far enough away that he wouldn't hear their thoughts, that Bella asked a question that had been bothering her for a few years.

"So Alice? Can I ask you all a question?"

"Of course silly!"

"...Is it normal for vegetarian vampires to...sparkle?"

"No, not really."

"Is it something specific to your family?"

Jasper tried to hide his smile as he realized where her line of questioning was going. Alice of course already knew and was smiling broadly, when Carlisle decided to take the answers away from her, "Is there a reason your asking, Bella?"

"...Well, I've noticed that your...son?... Edward is kind of sparkly in the sun."

Before Carlisle could answer, Rosalie cut in, "No it's definitely unique to just Edward. We've tried to figure out why he does before, but we couldn't find any normal reason." Then she smiled, "But don't worry, you're not the first to ask. We just tell them that he's special."

Bella nodded, "Ah. I almost feel bad for all the times I've thrown him into a lake. Almost."

Esme laughed and suddenly a thought struck her, "Why don't the six of us girls go out for a night on the town?" Her two daughters barely spare a thought before agreeing, while Victoria, Bree, and Bella shared a look before nodding.

They left immediately before Edward even got back. And to be clear, 'A night on the town' for six vampire women is actually closer to months or weeks of non-stop wildness. The vampiric women laughed and partied and hunted. During one of their small breaks, Bella asked her vegetarian friends why they always stayed in cold, cloudy places.

Esme explained that it was to keep them from being discovered as vampires. Victoria seemed to accept this as a valid reason, but Bree and Bella couldn't help but laugh.

Alice questioned what they found so funny. Bree calmed down enough to explain the concept of Night school.

The girls night finished and the two covens parted ways yet again, with Edward still pining over a girl that had no interest in him.

The End.


End file.
